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Energy drink fans get ready for a busy summer of experimentation. The new drink, deceivingly named Cocaine, made by a company based in Las Vegas (Vegas? What a shocker...) has caved in amidst massive pressure to change it's fiendish name. And while it does boast the highest caffeine level of any drink in drink history (including Starbuck's Double Shot) it's comparative strength certainly comes from this company's marketing strategy. Changing it's name will take away from it's psychological advantage on the competition and thus creates an opening for drink producer Glaceau to step up and introduce their version of canned energy. The maker of the wildly popular Vitamin Water may be on to something. This drink will certainly penetrate the demographic of the skittish. The Vitamin Energy drink I had today tasted a little like sour, unprocessed urine, but since it's still in it's infancy period of introduction, that would be my first suggestion for improvement. Next would be the sugar content. The good news is Glaceau is keeping with the low sugar level philosophy Vitamin Water executes so successfully with this new version. It is relatively low for an energy drink - 25g per serving. But that's still far higher than Cocaine's 18g per serving (There's no room left in the can for sugar with all the caffeine) which I also found a little dissappointing.
I'm not a huge energy drink fan, I far prefer Vitamin Water based on taste and effect, but the 1600 g's of caffeine in a Vitamin Energy are a modest 4x the level of caffeine of a normal Coke, compared to 6x or more for brands like Rockstar and Cocaine. It's my dislike of that heart pounding feeling from an energy drink I find unsatisfying anyway. Improving the taste and lowering the sugar levels without any diarreah triggering chemicals (or any artificial sweetners regardless of the trauma it inflicts on the body) will be the winning desired recipe.
Pimps and 20-something partiers/date rapists may still prefer Cocaine, but with a few tweeks (pun intended) Glaceau's new product will be far superior and will be less reliant on an aweful marketing campaign. Actually, come to think of it, the first time I noticed Vitamin Water was when Dr. Chris Turk was drinking it on an episode of Scrubs. What a difference a polished long-run minded marketing team can create.
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Copyright © 2010 Joseph M
Vitamin Energy Drink Better Than Cocaine?
Credit: Copyright © 2010 Joseph M
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By Bill Friday
on May 09, 2007 at 12:29 pm
I've tried a lot of energy drinks, and Vitamin Water Energy was the only one that didn't make me yell, "Elizabeth! I'm comin' to join ya , Honey!". As long as they can work out that pesky unfiltered urine glitch, I should be on board just in time for middle-aged man softball.
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By Ariel
on May 09, 2007 at 12:45 pm
I only drink Vitamin Water like Turk and Appletinis (easy on the tini) like JD :)
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Score: -1
By El G
on May 09, 2007 at 01:39 pm
My preferred date rape aids are glass yarn reinforced packaging tape and a Phillips head screwdriver. I'm old school.
Interestingly, "Cocaine" and "After Midnight" were not written by Eric Clapton as popularly believed, but by another cocaine enthusiast, JJ Cale. Go ahead... impress your friends.
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Score: -3
By Joseph M
on May 09, 2007 at 03:13 pm
yeah, and while recently reunited and playing around, wuus JJ and puss Clapton agreed on lyric changes for Cocaine.
Is that rediculous or what?
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Score: -2
By Jen
on May 09, 2007 at 03:20 pm
Im gonna lump this one in with gnomes and fingernails and say eh. sorry.
On a side note- How much "sour, unprocessed urine" have you tasted?
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Score: -1
By Reza B
on May 09, 2007 at 03:35 pm
Remember Jolt Cola? What ever happened to Jolt Cola? That was like diabetes in a can...
Nice article. I have to say that I myself do not drink the "Energy Drinks" at all ever since an episode in which I drank two Red Bulls on an empty stomach... Not a good idea. But I'm off the stuff for life.
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By Reza B
on May 09, 2007 at 03:37 pm
C'mon Jen, don't act like you've never tasted sour, unprocessed urine... That being said, I think we can all agree that processed urine is definitely the way to go.
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Score: -3
By Joseph M
on May 09, 2007 at 07:47 pm
The two things I almost included in this story were noted in comments.
A- Urine, processed or not, delivers quite a relay message back to the body when ingested. A tablespoon or two of urine, as I've been taught, has proven to be effective against the flu, the common cold, broken bones, toothache, dry skin, psoriasis and all other skin problems.
Japanese women bath in it while playing with rubber duckies.
It's inexpensive.
Has also been mentioned to help these disorders- dysentery, edema, eczema, eye irritation, fatigue, fever, gonorrhea, gout, bloody urine, smallpox, immunological disorders, infections, infertility, baldness, insomnia, jaundice, hepatitis, Kaposi's sarcoma, leprosy, lymphatic disorder, urticaria, morning sickness, hangover, obesity, papilloma virus, parasitoses, gastric ulcer, rheumatism, birthmarks, stroke, congestion, lumbago, typhus, gastritis, depression, cold sore, tuberculosis, tetanus, Parkinson's disease, foot fungus, and diabetes and other endocrine related diseases.
Damn, all you urine-ignorant people just won't let me stop writing even for a minute.
B- JOLT COLA. While Jolt had a lot more of everything than did regular Coke (except taste..) it's caffeine content couldn't even get Carson Daily high. These "energy" drinks are playing hardball and y'all should know what you're drinking before you do (yes, that includes you, JEN!).
C- I loved my fingernail story. The other 29... eh.
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Score: -1
By Joseph M
on May 09, 2007 at 07:51 pm
Oh yeah, and if you enlarge the picture you can notice all sorts of soot on my computer desk. I'm very embarrassed.
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Score: -2
By Joseph M
on May 09, 2007 at 07:56 pm
Oh yeah (again), El G, you really don't have to qualify yourself as "old school" - you light up like a hostage released at the mere mention of cocaine!
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Score: -1
By Jen
on May 09, 2007 at 09:30 pm
Reza- Does bud light count?
Joe- Why are you shouting at me?
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Score: 0
By Bill Friday
on May 09, 2007 at 10:37 pm
If unprocessed urine is the Fountain of Youth, then why are so many incontinent seniors still going to die? And it hasn't done much for the waning career of Moises Alou, either. And while I'm on the subject, do you think Barry Bonds shoots it or just rubs it on?
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Score: -2
By Joseph M
on May 09, 2007 at 11:06 pm
I know how Sammy Sosa would answer.
"No hablo Engles."
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By Steven Lane
on May 10, 2007 at 02:03 am
Damn, if I could have got it in a can in the 80's, I would have soooooooooooooooooooo much more disposable income.
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Score: 0
By Venditto
on May 10, 2007 at 09:12 am
Ahh Scrubs! It teaches us so much and asks for so little in return.
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Score: -1
By V
on May 10, 2007 at 05:05 pm
None of you should drink any energy drinks ever. They are bad. Very, very bad for you. And that's a smoker and a drinker saying that.
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Score: -3
By Joseph M
on May 10, 2007 at 08:30 pm
if it's any indicator, ANYTHING a teenager can afford drink to excess for a cheap "high" is BAD, very bad.
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Score: -2
By Joseph M
on May 10, 2007 at 08:39 pm
ughhh... spelling IS horrible here. mark accordingly!
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Score: 2
By AM Nelson
on May 11, 2007 at 01:00 am
Doesn't anybody drink coffee anymore?
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Score: 0
By Ariel
on May 25, 2007 at 11:46 am
Coca cola has agreed to buy glaceau today. There is indeed going to have coke in vitamin water!
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Score: -3
By Joseph M
on May 25, 2007 at 12:06 pm
Yep, I just read that story and it looks like this story will get at least 10 more readers thinking this story is about hookers and pimps and party people.
I hope I don't totally let them down!
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Score: 0
By C. Reagan
on June 07, 2007 at 01:35 am
I for one still thought the article was about party people. But, that thought only came to me after reading all the comments left for your article. For real, all of these comments were made by real party people, maybe even hookers or pimps.
P.S. None of these drinks will make a real blip until Lohan gets out of rehab and starts pouring Grey Goose into the empty cans and stumbling down Robertson towards the Ivy insisting that she's been cured of her evil addictive demons. Enter Dina Lohan.
And Scene.
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Score: -3
By Joseph M
on June 07, 2007 at 11:19 pm
I have delicate facial features and could easily co-star in this one.
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Score: 0
By Jen and Tonic
on June 18, 2007 at 05:23 pm
I love energy drinks, and would definitely drink something with a name like Cocaine. I love the feeling of being so jittery that I look like a hooker in a confessional. It's the crashing feeling afterward that I can't stand. I usually fall asleep, and then wake up realizing I've most likely sexually assaulted myself while sleeping.
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Score: -2
By Joseph M
on June 18, 2007 at 09:49 pm
Jen, what you do in the privacy afforded in that $23 (rent by the hour) motel room is YOUR business.
Thank you for the kind confession though, just remember a picture says a 1000 words and I'd do the camera work free of charge.
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Score: 0
By Jen and Tonic
on January 15, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Finally got around to getting you the camera. Ready now?
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By Joseph M
on January 16, 2008 at 02:59 am
Good lord woman! Can't you see I'm in the middle of a curry?!
Give me ten minutes and some alka seltzer.
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Score: 0
By Jen and Tonic
on January 16, 2008 at 02:31 pm
No, I won't wait. It'll make it more interesting that way.
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By TST
on February 04, 2010 at 01:48 pm
I recently moved from central cal, to southern cal,and i cant find this drink anywhere now. It was in ever AM-PM up there. But not down here. Does anyone know where i can find it ? I love this stuff !
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By Ed Attanasio
on February 04, 2010 at 01:57 pm
If I really wanted a buzz..what is the best caffeine-laced drink on the market?
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