Hey according to NPR news, Sunday, July 1st is Canada Day, isn’t that great? I think they call it Canada Day because they want everyone who lives up there to know what country they live in. Maybe the citizens get confused by all the nice weather and think they live in Aruba or something. Which is hard for me to fathom, because even I know that Aruba doesn’t get snow or have icebergs floating down Main Street. I guess up north in the land of the frozen tundra, it’s something to celebrate, of course as an American I’ve never heard of it. So I decided to look it up on Wikipedia, after all learning about sub-artic lands and primitive cultures is somewhat fun, it gives me lots of new information that I can use in my wonderful stories.
Well yesterday I sat myself down with a 5th of my favorite beverage and I Yahooed ‘Canada Day’, I don’t Google because yelling Google while wearing leather chaps just doesn’t seem right, so I always ‘Yahoo’, it keeps the neighbors alert. As I’ve said I never heard of this holiday, I suppose that’s what you’d call it, I don’t know why, maybe it’s because apparently they still speak French up there. When are they going to join the 21st century and abandon speaking pastry, who knows? Anyway it was fascinating stuff, almost, I never knew that just north of the good ole U.S. of A. there was such a place. It’s kind of like Mexico, except it has lots of trees, polar bears, Nanooks, dancing penguins, and lots and lots of ice fishermen. Apparently fishing for ice when its -20c is great fun, as long as you don’t fall asleep, and become frozen to the ice. In which case they have to call the Royal Canadian mounted Dudley Do Rights and have your frozen torso removed and then you are transported to the even more frozen north, so that the polar bears will have something to play with. Oh, and you may have noticed that I used the term ‘-20c’ for the temperature, apparently up there in the land of frosty runny noses they still use that antiquated French form of measurement, backwards huh? And just to prove my point they call their money ‘loonies’, explains a lot don’t it?
Well, back to Canada Day. Canada Day started on July 1, 1867, more or less, it was first proclaimed on June 20, 1868, by then Governor General Lord Muckluck when he issued a royal proclamation asking for Canadians to “celebrate the anniversary of the confederation.” However, the holiday was not established statutorily until 1879, when it was designated as Dominion Day, (seems there are a lot of S & M types running around up there) in reference to the designation of the country as a Dominion in the British North America Act, of 1867. The holiday was initially not dominant in the national calendar, up to the early 20th century, Canadians thought themselves to be primarily British, (boy they just can’t get anything right, their French) being thus less interested in celebrating distinctly Canadian forms of patriotism. No official celebrations were therefore held until 1917 – the golden anniversary of Confederation – and then none again for a further decade.
Confusing. Unlike here in the good ole U.S. of A., Canadians don’t celebrate Canada Day by shooting off fireworks, and setting farm fields and small towns on fire from falling embers. No, they celebrate Canada Day, by participating in their favorite sport, which is, penguin bowling. This sport has been banned by the International Sports Federation, but I guess Canadians don’t care. Especially when they’re all liquored up from drinking too much Salmon liver beer. Penguin bowling is played by seven and one half teams of eleven people each, the idea is to knock down as many penguins as possible using frozen dwarfs, the first team to successfully knock down two penguins in a row is declared the winner and awarded the key to the town’s Swedish sauna, where the winners get naked and try to see if the ‘parts’ fit. After the arousing game of penguin bowling, the townspeople scramble about the village with pitchforks and torches in hand, breaking into every house looking for English speaking tourists, then they have a town bar-b-q, roasting tourists, and smoking kippers from a ‘bong’. This is why Americans do not go on vacation in the land of the Nanook. After the sun sets they all get in their American made cars and head for the U.S. border, where they exchange their ‘loonies’ for real money and spend every cent on the American side buying luxuries (all made in China of course), things like toilet paper, deodorant and the most popular items seem to be adult woo-woo toys, and electric space heaters.
Well that’s what I learned on Wikipedia anyway, it sounds like a great holiday.
If you can’t believe me, who can you believe?.....