Sunday, October 21, 2018

It's Baseball Time

by gt281 (writer), State of Denial, May 21, 2012

“Hello sports fans, Dan Hack here, I’m sitting here with my guest announcer Stu ta Gills...

“Hello sports fans, Dan Hack here, I’m sitting here with my guest announcer Stu ta Gills at beautiful landfill side Dell Unisom Nabisco Gillette Hoover Oreo Lays Edison stadium, locally known as Dunghole stadium.”

“Are you allowed to say Dunghole on TV?”

“Sure we are Stu, we’re on radio, the whole thing is tape delayed.”

“Oh good, hi mom.”

“The game between the Boston Buffoons and the Cleveland Clowns is just about to begin and there isn’t a star in the clear blue sky. That may change though if we go into extra innings, but that’s not expected to happen today. We have Scrathin Balls on the mound today for the Buffoons and Chew Din Spit for the Clowns. Both have gone 22 innings without trying to renegotiate their 50 million dollar contracts. Would you like to say anything Stu?”

“Can I say something to my ex-wife?”

“Sure go ahead.”

“Hi Julie, your alimony check will be late this month, you lying street walking donkey faced twisted bitch, and that’s not my kid.”

“Well put Stu. I see that the teams have finished their 3 hour warm-ups and the waddling warthog keepers of the rules are meeting on the mound. Rosie O’Donnell will be singing the anthem today. There she is now, being wheeled up to the microphone in a wheelbarrow pulled by an elephant, giving everyone here her famous one finger salute.”

“Which one is Rosie?”

“Well said Stu. Lets listen. Stu stand up.”

“I thought I was standing, why is the room spinning?”

“How many beers have you had?”


Jeszcze Polska nie umar?a,

Kiedy my ?yjemy

Co nam obca moc wydar?a,

Szabl? odbijemy.

Marsz, marsz, D?browski

Do Polski z ziemi w?oskiej

Za twoim przewodem

Z??czym si? z narodem

Jak Czarniecki do Poznania

Wraca? si? przez morze

Dla ojczyzny ratowania

Po szwedzkim rozbiorze.

Marsz, masz...

Przejdziem Wis??, przejdziem Wart?

B?dziem Polakami

Da? nam przyk?ad Bonaparte

Jak zwyci??a? mamy

Marsz, masz...

Niemiec, Moskal nie osi?dzie

“What the hell was that noise?”

“Stu, I think she was singing the Polock national anthem.”

“Sounded like someone ran over a cat…what a smutz.”

“Well said Stu. There she goes being wheeled off the field by four grounds keepers, looks like they’re headed straight to the concession stands. Will you look at that, the fans are giving her free beer.”

“Free Beer?”

“Sit down Stu and give me that mic.”

“Oh, say can you see…I really have to pee.”

“Not in here Stu! Put that thing away, it’s all hairy. Dave, can you show Stu where the restrooms are? Jumping monkeys Stu, not in the trash can.”

“Oh, say can you see….”

“Never mind Dave.”


“While we wait for the grounds crew to clean up the beer and paper cups, lets break for these commercial messages.”

“And we’re at commercial.”

“Hey Dan, look at the hooters of that one in row 34, seat 5b. Looks like a pair of zeppelins in a bag, betta she’ll never drown.”

“Right you are Stu, let's get the beer man to spill a few.”

“That would be sacrilege, entertaining, but sacrilege.”

“Well said Stu.”

“How about if we have her arrested for carrying a concealed weapon?”

“Those don’t look very concealed to me.”

“5, 4, 3, 2,-------- ”

“Welcome back sports fans. There’s been a change on the mound for the Buffoons, Billy ‘beanball’ McGurskey has replaced Scrathin’ Balls as the starting pitcher.

Lou ‘the face’ Lunker is waiting behind the plate for the first batter, he’s been known to play an entire game without a face mask. There’s the signal from umpire Ben ‘bateyes’ MacWilly.”

“Is he supposed to be grabbing Lunker’s butt like that?”

“Yes he is Stu. Clevis ‘handsup’ Jones, is coming to the plate. He has a new rap album coming out this summer called ‘I Didn’t Do Nothin’ Whitey’, and is the only man known to be fast enough to outrun a lynch mob in Whitebread Connecticut.”

“He doesn’t seem too anxious to step into the batters box and face Billy ‘beanball’ McGurskey.”

“Right you are Stu. And here’s the first pitch…oooohh, that’s got to hurt, let’s hope that Clevis was wearing a cup, he’s been known not too, claiming that they’re too small. Well it looks like we’re going to have our first bench clearing action of the day.

I believe that sets a new MLB record, beating the old record set in June by two pitches. Here come the teams onto the field, it’s a free for all at home plate, even the bat boys are getting involved. Which as you might recall Stu, is not a good idea, considering that the MLB is still trying to resolve the maternity suit brought by Timmy ‘nobutt’ Wanker. While the police dogs are trying to break up the imitation hockey game, let’s go to commercial.”

“Free beer?”

“No Stu, free for all.”

“Free beer for all?”

“Good thinking Stu.”

“And we’re at commercial.”

“Ladies and gentlemen I’m Steven J. Biggbucks, chairman and Ceo of Ford Lincoln Mercury, and I’m here to introduce you to our new and improved version of our best selling SUV, the Manzilla. We here at Ford Lincoln Mercury have heard your concerns about fuel costs and the rising costs of driving, and I’m here to assure you that we at Ford Lincoln Mercury have made ever effort to address those concerns when redesigning the Manzilla. The Manzilla has been completely redesigned with your mind in mind. It now features 27 cup holders statistically placed through-out the cabin area which has been streamlined to produce better gas mileage and still hold 14 people. Great news for those of you with 14 friends or family that like to tailgate and drink beer at any of your nearby stadiums before heading home on the freeway. And it should be no problem for you to drive down the road, clearing the way for everyone else. Its new redesigned V-14, 47,000 horsepower diesel engine is easily capable of providing enough power for you to go over any of those pesky Toyotas that may get in your way. With the newly redesigned front Cowcatcher grill you will have no problem with streaking illegal Mexicans if you live west of the Mississippi. Gas mileage has also been improved and the Manzilla gets an astounding four miles to the gallon. So if you’re in the market for a new family sized SUV, consider what the Manzilla can offer you. And please feel free to E-mail me at my vacation villa in Aruba where I’ll be vacationing for the next 10 months.”

“5, 4, 3, 2,-------- ”

“Welcome back sports fans. We’ve had quite a delay here at Dell Unisom Nabisco Gillette Hoover Oreo Lays Edison stadium, the police vans have now left the field and the bonfires, fueled by eight year old popcorn, have been successfully brought under control. Only 34 fans where burnt alive after being handcuffed to their seats by the ushers, which I believe Stu, is not even close to the International Sports Federation’s record of 176, that occurred during a soccer match in Rio de Janeiro between Spain and Brazil.”

“The fans just don’t care about records anymore.”

“Right you are Stu. Well the managers are ---”

“Oh, say can you see…”

“Geez not again Stu, give me that mic.”

“I think I ate too many hotdogs.”

“How many did you have?”

“37…. Bleeuuulkkkk…

“Not on the console Stu…oh my God, is that your spleen? Dave, Dave….”



“We interrupt this broadcast for important national news:

‘Britney has changed her hair color again’…now back to our studios.”



“Due to technical difficulties beyond our control we are unable to continue with the scheduled MLB game between the Boston Buffoons and the Cleveland Clowns, we switch now to the finals of the frozen midget bowling contest in Quebec,


About the Writer

gt281 is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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