Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Woman Requests Male Input

by DebTim (writer), Ontario, CANADA, May 09, 2012

Credit: Deb Timmermans
Our growing family

Trying to understand how a father, can tell his son about his past affairs.. and why? I need some understanding

So here I'm blabbing about divorce and I'm divorced. Hmm... I took my vows seriously and meant them. I believe in my heart that I would still be married to my x if he hadn't left for greener pastures. I wasn't given any choice. I'm not saying I wasn't just as much at fault. I just didn't have a choice.

Years later I found out that pretty much our whole marriage was a sham. He had slept around for years. As it turns out, many of his conquests were my girl friends. The worst part of it all is, it was my son who told me this.

My x left us and didn't bother with the boys for years. Then all of a sudden when they boys start having children, who do you think wants to play grandpa? Now after leaving his boys when they needed him most, he wants to come back into their lives to take credit for having grand children. As much as it hurts I accept the fact that no matter what he's done or hasn't done, he is and will always be the boy's father.

So getting back to how my son came to tell me about my x's affairs... One day boy #2 is over with his family. I was in the kitchen tidying up when boy #2 comes in and wants to talk to me. Everyone else is outside playing with grandpa and Dex so we had a few minutes. He asks me if I knew a certain person. I said sure, we were good friends but that was years ago. I even smiled at the memory thoughts of her brought to mind. Then he asks me if I knew another person, again I say yes, a little more hesitant now, wondering where this is leading. He mentioned 3 other old girl friends of mine. Then he told me that his father told him he's had affairs with each of them. I was totally shocked!

The affairs shocked me to the core.. but then my son asks me why his father would tell him that stuff. I thought for a moment before answering. The only answer I could come up with was, that his father wasn't there during the growing up years so he has trouble seeing the boys as sons and is treating them more like friends.

He didn't have the father/son connection so his only way of feeling close to the boys is acting as if they are his buddies. I felt terrible telling my son that because I felt like I was somehow sticking up for the scoundrel. I wasn't, but I was trying to understand what would make him tell his son something like that.

I'm still confused and see the confusion on my sons eyes when ever I think about that conversation. Was it wrong for me to tell my son my thoughts, behind his reasons? Oh see - I am still confused. This happened long ago in a place I have left this all behind yet, when it's thrown back in your face years later it's still a tough swallow.


About the Writer

DebTim is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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2 comments on Woman Requests Male Input

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By Randy Mitchell on May 22, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Here is my two cents worth. For a man to have an affair on his wife, especially multiple affairs like yours did, means one thing: He doesn't respect you at all. For him to tell your sons about the notches on his belt is only further proof of his mentality. Since you obsiously have a good relationship with your sons, he should've known by telling them this the info would get back to you, further hurting you. I think your ex needs a serious course in how to grow up and learn how to treat women with dignity. He may be your sons father, but you should never defend his actions.

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By Lartinos on May 24, 2012 at 12:36 am

This is really unfortunate and I feel horrible for you. If I were you would take some responsibility for letting things get to this point, it sucks because it seems like you did not deserve this at all. But at the same time when we don't manage our lives perfectly it means we could have done better. In the future you need to be a little more in control of things going on around you. The father is saying this because he has a sick ego and needs to prove to people he is worth something because his parents probably never gave him that acceptance.

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