I’d like to take a few moments here to speak to just the guys out there. To talk to them about an idea they have, about doing something extra special for their ‘honeybunny’, while she’s away at her mothers for the week. Your thinking of remodeling that porta-pottie bathroom of yours while she’s away, aren’t you? Thinking of surprising her with a bran spanking gleaming new bathroom aren’t you? Afterall she’s been nagging you for two years to do it, hasn’t she? And now while she’s away you think it would be a great idea to do it. Whoooaaa, hold on there ‘Norm’…before you start, lets examine some of the skills you have to get this done. Have you ever done any plumbing? OH, you replaced the fittings on the garden hose and replaced the rubber washers in the kitchen sink. Yeah, that’s almost like plumbing. Have you ever done any electrical? Fixed a lamp cord huh? And found the short in the riding lawnmower. Well, good for you. Have you ever installed any cabinets? Or done any tile work? Any carpentry skills? OH, you have a book that shows how to do everything step by step, do you? With colored diagrams and exploded parts views, huh? That should help.
First off, what do you plan on doing? OH, you want to make your new bathroom look just like the one on page 47 in Home & Gardens…Ah uh…Not so fast ‘Mr. Handyman’. That bathroom you're looking at is at least 250 square feet, with a separate shower area, with temperature controlled full body shower heads, it has an 8 foot by 10 foot whirlpool-hot tub, that seats six people, with adjustable jets, with foot and neck massaging bubbles. A men’s sink area and a separate area for her with two sinks, a seating area with adjustable wall mounted mirrors, and it has a toilet, and a bidet just for her, with granite countertops and imported Italian marble tile on all the walls. Have you ever done anything like that before? Well, let me clue you in just a little, before you run to the nearest hardware store and try to purchase any of that stuff. That bathroom you’re wishing for, and wanting to build in a week, took 14 skilled craftsman 3 months to build, and they knew what they were doing. You do not. Plus it will cost you more than the house you are now living in.
Right about this time, your beginning to ask yourself, “What the h*ll does this guy know about remodeling a bathroom. “Why should I listen to him?” You are aren’t you? Well, let me just say that I was in your position a couple of years ago, I thought I’d do something nice for my ‘snoogems’. It took me three days to remove everything from the bathroom and haul it to the dump, then disaster struck. My ‘honeydo’ came home early, because she had a big fight with her mother, and needless to say she was not pleased with the mess that used to be our (her) bathroom. I ended up sleeping in the garage for two weeks, before she calmed down enough that I could talk to her. Then it took five months to get the bathroom fixed. Mainly because we (she) decided to hire a contractor and have him do the work. It took five months because, well, there are a lot of decisions to make and as you know it takes a woman a long time to make a decision. I had very little input into those decisions, of course she asked me what I thought about this or that, but I learned very quickly, within the first 15 seconds, that what I thought was not really important, so from there on in, I just said Uh Uh a lot. You think I’m exaggerating don’t you? Remember the last time the two of you got dressed up for a night on the town and dinner at a fancy restaurant. How long did it take her in the bathroom to get ready? One hour? An hour and a half? For what? How long did it take you? 15 minutes, right? But that was only because you decided to shave and brush your teeth. I’m right aren’t I? It takes a woman a long time to make a decision.
Now before you start your remodeling, I want you to think about a couple of things. When was the last time you, and you alone were allowed to make a decision? You know that she has to tell you to take out the trash, and how to do it. And she always complains that you didn’t do it right. And do you realize that there are 47 different shades of pink? And here you are, ready to make all kinds of decisions about your (her) bathroom, none of which she will agree with. If I were you, I’d just sit back and watch sports on TV while she’s away, it will be your only chance, and sit around in your underwear drinking a cold one while scratching your private parts whenever you want, cuz she’s going to be home soon.
As a final note here to you guys out there, let me just say, that now that I’ve lived with my ‘new’ bathroom a while, I don’t mind the 7 shades of pink with mauve accents, and the foam toilet seat is a lot nicer that the hard one we used to have. But I do get in a lot of trouble if I don’t hang the towel back on the rod, or put a new roll of TP out, or leave the cap off the toothpaste, or leave water on the counter, or don’t put my dirty clothes in the hamper, or don’t put the toilet seat down, or just generally do man things. You know now that I think about it, having a gleaming new bathroom really sucks………………