Saturday, September 22, 2018

Someone Please Stop the Ride Pimping!!!

by Shawn Norris (writer), Los Angeles, April 18, 2007


So, I accidentally watched part of the show "Pimp My Ride" today on MTV. To be honest, I just do not get this show. I cannot stand watching normal cars mutated into miniature Best Buy stores with electronics that cost more than the actual car. Why not just fix them up nice and not drive someone's insurance premium into the stratosphere.

MTV's reality department just seems to hemorrhage the "Balla" image these days with shows like "Cribs" and "Pimp My Ride." Honestly, no one driving around in an 86' Escort is really "ballin" or "pimpin" anything noteworthy. And they don't need the press, they're just kids who don't have enough money to fix up their car. I don't understand why you must turn these normal functioning automobiles into these ostentatious seizure fests that would even make the Bishop Don Magic Juan blush. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

First of all, the show is hosted by Xzibit, who to his credit is a talented rapper. But, he's a rapper and that should sound some alarm bells. Now Xzibit, while a talent musical artist, seems to lack any sort of automotive expertise whatsoever. You never see him change the oil, check the wiper fluid or even fix the flux capacitor. He has the easiest job in the history of television! He basically shows up 5 minutes before the cameras roll and talks to whatever lucky moron is getting the hot pink Camaro this episode for all of 3 minutes and finally drives the piece of crap car to West Coast Customs. Let's get pimped out!

But wait, Xzibit does no actual pimping of cars what so ever. He just drives your ride over to where the ride pimping takes place, drops the damn thing off and then comes in for hugs and high fives at the end of every show. He's like the Vice-President of ride pimping cause he always knows what's going on, but never seems to be doing anything important. He must honestly go in for work about an hour a week to make this show. And while I should hate him for that very reason, I kinda enjoy the fact he sticks it to MTV for a big checks because I'd rather see him for an hour than whatever the hell the Real World has morphed into. In the "real world" people get jobs!

But, I digress. I don't want to get off track of my real reason for hating this show. The fact that the morons who actually pimp out the ride actually take the person who's car they are fixings "Likes" so literally. For example one kid listed his "likes" as "video games, spending time chilling, ping-pong, and playing sports." So what do you think these guys do. They put a Plasma TV, a video game console and a ping-pong table in his truck thus transforming his truck into a place to chill. Genius!

I once saw an episode where the guy liked to bowl so they put a bowling ball polisher in his trunk...that's right a bowling ball washer in the trunk that rendered the trunk useless, if say you had to put other things in the trunk such as luggage or groceries. Screw brakes man, throw another woofer in there!

How literal are these freaking guys? I mean think about it. When MTV does an interview and they ask you what you do for fun...

and you say, "I dunno."

and they say, "Well what do you do after work?"

and you say "I watch TV and relax with my girl"

and they say "Don't you do anything else"

and you say "I dunno, I go bowling sometimes..."

and they say "OK, thats good to know."

From that conversation would you ever think that you would end up with a bowling ball polisher in your trunk? Well, the kid did. And I imagine as he was driving off the set he said something like,"Screw the spare tire guys, I really need a place to wash my ball and when am I ever gonna need a spare tire right!?!"

I have a crappy car. So now this article is my plea for MTV to Pimp My Ride. But, I want to give you very definitive parameters on what I like and do not like.


Jack Daniels

Gentleman's Clubs

Dive Bars


Books (because I wanna look smart for the ladies)

"The Simple Life" TV show

Now I fully expect for my car to come back with 3 strippers, a pole on top of the car for them to dance on, a wet bar in the trunk complete with a fully stocked bar and a copy of "A Brief History of Time" for when I want to talk theoretical physics before me and the girls go out for the night. Oh and also Paris Hilton in the back seat drinking her ass off and ready to party all night. Hell, she'll probably get more use out of the pole than the actual strippers.

Do not like:

Any color outside the basic 8 color Crayola crayon pack. That means no Outrageous Orange, Pimping Peach with a flame matrix and definitely no crazy Yellow-Green-Fuchsia combination that makes people become epileptic upon seeing my car.

Stereo's that people can hear from six miles away. For God's sake I don't think anyone else wants to hear John Denver's "Wildlife Concert" except for me, so do the world a favor and put normal speakers in my ride and don't even worry about the base because the Starland Vocal Band doesn't really have that much base and John Denver and the Starland Vocal Band are all I listen to.

Now with this in mind, just paint my ride a normal color and don't put more electronics in it than it's actually worth. So, MTV this isn't going to cost you much at all, I mean look at the basics. All I want is a few strippers, a few beers and a very drunk Paris Hilton. For God's sake that probably runs you guys about $300 dollars to pimp, $50 in singles for the strippers and hell there's a good chance if you go down to Sunset you can very easily find a drunk Paris Hilton, so just tell her there will be camera's in my car and she'll probably never leave...

Actually, I've got an idea MTV. I'm going to skip the ride pimping, the eventual break-ins that will inevitably happen when I park my car in Hollywood and just hang a sign on the windshield that says "Please break into me, I have a Plasma TV and an X-Box in here."


About the Writer

Shawn Norris is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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1 comments on Someone Please Stop the Ride Pimping!!!

Log In To Vote   Score: 3
By Shawn Norris on April 20, 2007 at 01:30 pm
I was reading a book, it was called "A Brief History of Time."
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