Well another week at work has gone by and I’m glad it’s over. What a train wreak, I had 27 E-grams in my mailbox all asking the same thing, ‘When are you going to be done with my project?’ Buttheads. I sent each one back this message: ‘Well, if you’d stop asking me that question, I would have been done two days ago’. Camelheaded morons. Their being ungrateful morons got me to thinking, which is always a dangerous thing for anyone to do.
I got to thinking about the morons of this world and I was also thinking about how the government could lower my taxes and pay off the National Debt. So I came up with a solution that solves both problems at the same time. It’s the greatest idea since sardines on pizza. The solution to the government’s money problems and to everyone else’s (mainly mine), is for the government to sell Whoopass licenses that can be used to beat the living crap out of morons. The way I figure it, everybody wins. The government gets lots of money per license, and morons get what’s coming to them, all nice and legal.
Here’s my plan, any U.S. citizen aged 18 to say 60, can buy up to 7 Whoopass licenses per year, to use on any U.S. born or naturalized citizen, except the President, got to give him some slack, because, well he’s the President. Besides if the President was eligible he’d never get anything done, there would be a line circling the globe just to give him a Whoopass. The government could charge, say $2500.00 per license and make lots of easy cash, and as a bonus, if you buy 7 licenses all at once you get an 8th one free, but the 8th one can only be used on morons or nutsos at airports. Sounds good to me, however there would have to be some restrictions or rules of course, everything has rules and this plan is no exception.
Rule #1...Each Whoopass license can only be used once and then must be torn up.
Rule #2...The receiver that you want to give the Whoopass to, must receive it gracefully and calmly, no crying, begging or bribing allowed.
Rule #3...No one under the age of 16 can be Whoopassed by a Whoopass license holder, mainly because everyone under 16 is stupid, and their hormones are running wild making them more stupid. So their excused, however their parents can give them an unlicensed Whoopass at any time.
Rule #4...No one over the age of 60 can be Whoopassed, mainly because their old and senile and giving them a Whoopass at that age would just make things worse.
Rule #5...A proxy Whoopasser can be used. This is mainly because there are lots of 80 pound tweebs out there that would just love to give a Whoopassing to the gorilla office managers among us, so they’re allowed to hire anyone they want to do the Whoopassing. I suggest WWF wrestlers.
Rule #6...The Whoopassing should not go too far. It’s a Whoopassings not an Iranian wedding, so no breaking of bones are allowed, except the nose. The Whoopasser must only use their fists, feet, knees, or elbows to do the Whoopassing. No blunt instruments or chairs are allowed.
Rule #7...Should both parties have Whoopass licenses, the licenses do not cancel each other out. Use them at that time or wait until the other party is not looking.
Rule #8...A get out of Whoopassing free card can be purchased from the government for say $120,000,000, and can only be used once. This should keep the rich morons getting their just ‘desserts’.
Rule #9...Should a Whoopass receiver try to run away or hide and not take his or her Whoopassing as noted in Rule #2, they will immediately loose their U.S. citizenship and be extradited to Iran, where Whoopassing is free, no license required.
Rule #10...Extra credit towards a free Whoopass license can be gained by using your current Whoopass license on mimes or French persons who speak French while in the U.S.
Rule #11...A special Whoopass license can be purchased at any time, no limits on how many you can purchase, for the price of say $50.00. This special Whoopass license can only be used on illegal aliens, Earth type or space type, doesn’t matter.
I think this is a great plan, it not only solves the moron problem but also solves the National Debt problem. I’m sure it needs a bit of refinement but what doesn’t.....