As a curious reader of this tome, filled with exciting, stupendous literary classics, I’m quite sure that you, as a person of above average intelligence would like to know more about me, the author. So with that in mind, here’s just a small sampling of the non-stop excitement I go though every week.
MONDAY: I usually get up around two or three in the morning because I really, really have to go pee, do to the fact that I drank coffee all Sunday night,(more about that later), I stand there peeing for about five minutes with my eyes closed, hoping the lid is up and my aim is good. Having gotten rid of the twelve cups of coffee I had the night before, I stumble into the kitchen and turn on the coffee pot, the coffee pot doesn’t have any water or fresh coffee grounds in it, so somehow I manage to get that all set up and working, I stand there like a Sam Raimi zombie, with sand filled eyes waiting for enough coffee to be brewed to fill my cup, it’s always too hot, hot enough to melt plastic and I immediately have to spit it out all over the kitchen sink and cabinets. Putting a new tongue in, I try it again, by now I’m awake just enough to put some water in it so it’s drinkable, I now stumble through the house and end up on the recliner sofa and pop up the foot rest and have some coffee, about 40 minutes later I wake up with a start because I spilled coffee into my lap while I was checking for leaks in my eyelids. Back to the coffee pot, I now turn on DTV and float away listening to 70s-80s oldie goldies. I have DTV, with its 500 channels but I never watch anything, I just listen to the music stations, I pay $95 a month to do that, something not quite right there, I’ll have to check into that later. It gets to be about five o-clock so I tumble into the shower, then take another five minute pee and do the sink routine, get dressed and wait for that golden moment when it’s time to head out the door and to work, which for me, is around 10 till 6, I put the dogs out and then ten minutes later let them back in again. I have more coffee while I wait.
When the golden moment arrives I hop into my Columbo mobile and drive down the highway, thank God the car knows where it’s going. It only takes about 30 minutes or so to get to work, unless of course I get behind the s**thead with the cell phone stuck in his ear, then it of course takes a lot longer. Sometimes I stop for a $3 egg-Mac-MUFFIN and orange juice, sometimes I don’t. Getting to work and my cubbie, I check my E-mail boxes (all six of them), nothing. Now because we’re slow at work I don’t have anything to do, I browse through the internet, viewing news stories, jokeland, etc. I try to stay away from the girlie sites, because the boss has a reader and he can tell where I’ve been on the net. About 8:00 I step out for a cigarette and watch all the other zombies stumbling from their cars with Starbucks coffee in hand and into the building. Some have stopped and got donuts or bagels, they never offer me any, I hate them, I like bagels, stingy bastards. Back to my cubbie.
9:00 go outside and have a cigarette, 10:00, repeat 9:00, 11:15, repeat 9:00, but add stopping to chat with hotty receptionist, I like her, too bad she wouldn’t get naked with me. She has a real big bad bomber biker for a boyfriend, so I have to be careful. Lunchtime, normally I don’t do lunch, because I’m fat, return to cubbie and wander the net. 1:00, repeat 9:00, 2:00 & 3:00, repeat 9:00, throughout the day I hit the vending machines, $1 for a 24 ounce mountain dew, times four, 75 cents for some chez-its, (two chez-its and a bag of stale air). 3:30, out the door, and a drive on the 18 wheeler clogged freeway and then home, greeted at the door by my dogs, the best ‘people’ I know. Always happy to see me, start the coffee pot and let the dogs out, hit the couch again, have some coffee, I’m awake enough now so I put the coffee cup on the table by me, turn on DTV, and once again listen to music, fall asleep, because my eyeballs have been burnt out while I was looking at the silicone screen all day, about an hour later, I’m awakened by the dogs scratching on the door, oops forgot to let them back in, go pee for five minutes, turn on the computer at home and check my E-mail, none. Browse through the net, or maybe try to write a funny story, which no one will ever read, except me, have some left-over whatever, maybe not, feed the dogs, let them back out again around 9:00, bring them in again about 9:15, and then to bed about 9:30. Exciting ain’t it?
TUESDAY: repeat Monday
WEDNESDAY: repeat Tuesday or Monday, you pick.
THURSDAY: repeat Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, adding meeting at work, which usually gets canceled.
FRIDAY: repeat, except leave 1/2 hour early, because it’s Friday.
SATURDAY: repeat most of Monday, except I don’t get dressed, I just wander around in my bathrobe, I’d weed the gardens, but the weeds have won that war, maybe next year. Could pick some veggies, but there aren’t any, the animals and birds got them all.
SUNDAY: repeat Saturday, except Sunday is movie day, meet my sisters at the mall to see the latest wham-bam special effects killer thriller from La-La land. Sometimes on Sunday, I get to play handyman at my sisters, I don’t get paid for this, but I do get too have lots of fun in the attic, getting sweaty with all the fiberglass insulation sticking to every inch of me, what a thrill.
NEW WEEK: repeat all of the above.
Just think, I have only 15 more years of this until I retire, to Mac-Ds, as a ringer-dinger for your Mac-BURGER. Now you know what my extra exciting world is like.
(I hear it’s going to be made into a movie, with Brad Pitt as me.)
Somebody shoot me please.....