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1...A bull elephant can run at 12 miles an hour.
2...African pygmies can run at 10 miles an hour.
3...The African pygmy population is declining.
4...The Spanish Armanda couldn’t invade England because they were going north and all Spaniards are rightists.
5...Women use a frying pan to smash men over the head because men are taller, otherwise they would just use an eyebrow pencil to poke them in the eye.
6...The human body is 96 percent water, the rest is just there to keep the water in, so it doesn’t make a mess on the carpet.
7...Men had more brain cells and bigger brains than women until the year 203 BC---when beer was invented.
8...Topo Gigo is the only thing from France that people like, and he’s not real.
9...There are more male master chefs than women master chefs, because men know the difference between tsp and tbsp.
10...Santa wears a red suit, so the elves at the North pole can find him in the snow, after his all night binging on eggnog.
11...To a naked man in bed, six inches always equals twelve inches.
12...Columbus wanted to find a quicker way to the Far East because there were no Chinese hookers in Europe.
13...The length of a red stop light matches exactly the length of time it takes for a women’s nail polish to dry.
14...Chickens run faster with their head cut off because they don’t have to look where they’re going.
15...Sand people wear robes because jeans won’t go over their curly toed shoes.
16...Sand people always walk in single file to hide their rocket launchers.
17...Coke and Pepsi use exactly the same ingredients, people just think they’re different do to advertising.
18...If you eat too much chocolate you will become Swiss.
19...Tea drinkers outnumber coffee drinkers seven to one, however Irish coffee drinkers outnumber tea drinkers two to one.
20...A cheetah can run at 70 miles per hour, but only at 45 miles per hour with a safari guide in its mouth.
21...There are no bathroom scales in Oprah’s mansions.
22...Whoopee Goldberg’s real name is, Egadyourugly Goldberg.
23...Snow is white because rainbows stole all the other colors.
24...Rap music sounds the same backwards or forwards.
25...A fully loaded concrete truck traveling at 55 miles an hour can flatten a $70,000 Hummer in 2 seconds.
26...A woman at a red tag sale can max out six credit cards faster than a speeding bullet shot through limburger cheese.
27...Swiss cheese was invented by a Scotsman named McGregor so he could make more cheese with the same ingredients and sell it to the English.
28...The Protestant Reformation started because the English found out they were getting Holy cheese from Scotland.
29...McD is the worlds largest maker of French fries, a one day supply of McFries when linked end to end will go from Earth to Jupiter fourteen times.
30...Crack cocaine is sold in aluminum foil because it’s recyclable, condoms are not.
31...Peanut butter has no butter in it at all, and should not be used on popcorn.
32...Taffy was invented by a dentist in 1902, to increase his business in Jursey.
33...Baseball is the only professional sport were 60 percent of fans fall asleep before the 4th inning, with 90 percent falling asleep after 7 innings.
34...The longest period a twenty dollar bill has been known to stay in the purse of a woman at Wallyworld is 20 seconds, but that’s only because she died of a heart attack.
35...Mankind can now go to the moon and back in seven days, it takes the post office three days to deliver a letter across the street.
36...More people are killed while driving attempting to miss the deer in the road then people who are killed by hitting the deer.
37...Never pick up a skunk or a Hungarian midget by the tail.
38...One hundred percent more women get pregnant from the use of a faulty condom than do men.
39...Nature invented toenails so that sock manufacturers could sell more socks.
40...Clear fingernail polish should not be used to glaze donuts with.
41...Women spend money faster than the U.S. Mint can make it, thus causing the National Debt to continually rise.
42...When a man dies, all the blood in his body rushes to his groin area, because the last two thoughts he has are of naked women and his wanting to become a sex-crazed zombie after death.
43...Glass is made clear so that peeping toms will have a job.
44...Elephants are afraid of mice because it takes a long time for them to get mouse guts out from between their toes.
45...Wheelbarrows have only one wheel because kids on mo-peds keep stealing the other two.
46...The Holy Bible is the largest selling book in the world because it has in it lots of sex, violence, death, sodomy, pillaging, and naked dancers--much like Lord of the Rings.
47...The Theory of Relativity does not include your in-laws at Thanksgiving.
48...Dogs can hear you eating a cookie from two miles away.
49...A mule is a cross between a jackass and a horse, a jackass can normally be found in the corner office.
50...It’s easier to give an eight hundred pound wild gorilla an enema then to get a woman to admit she was wrong.
51...The word hygiene is not found in the French dictionary.
52...Napoleon always kept his hand inside his coat jacket because he had a nipple fetish.
53...Velcro was invented to solve the problem of Polish soldiers always tripping over their shoelaces.
54...The government makes you pay taxes so that government employees can have 360 paid holidays, the other days they’re on sick leave.
55...John Tesh music is always played while you’re waiting on hold so that you’ll get sick and hang-up.
56...Unfortunately a Hawaiian lei is not the same as a Hawaiian lay.
57...The only difference between a Republican Presidential candidate and a Democrat Presidential candidate, is that ones an idiot and the other is a moron.
58...Rice is the main stable of Chinese cooking because dogs and cats are more expensive and take longer to grow.
59...The Irish mafia failed because they couldn’t find the exit from the pub.
60...Only one percent of the worlds population is color blind, one hundred percent of fashion designers and interior decorators are color blind.
61...Cats have nine lives, because God hates us.
62...Dog spelled backwards is God, cat spelled backwards is tac, says a lot about cats don’t it?
63...Flies try to land on the end of your nose, so they can look you square in the eye and then piss on your upper lip.
64...The moon is not made of green cheese, it’s made of left over cotton lint from God’s college sweatshirt.
65...Every day 4,000,000 more Chinese are born than any other population group in the world, in 2072, everyone will be Chinese.
66...Getting a woman to change her mind has been proven to be impossible, and is now one of the miracles required by the Roman Catholic Church to become a Saint...
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Also did you know that on on Friday's at 8:42 pm your mother moans at approx 18.8 decabells.