Mitt Goes to the Jersey Shore - Governor Declares

by Notumbus Bumbus (writer), Where I am right now., January 31, 2012

One little piggy was just too much, another little piggy couldn't oink, and all the other little piggies went wee-wee all the way home.

Let us for a brief moment assume that Mitt “Pit Bull” Romney wins his party’s nomination to represent them in the upcoming ice-cream-social-and-carpet-bombing ritual scheduled for this coming November. And, just for the sake of making the proposition more interesting, let us assume he selects someone, oh, perhaps a female caribou rider, just as a rather improbable example, as his “running mate.” No, no, wait, really, don’t laugh just yet, OK? OK? Because stranger things have happened within the Republican “camp” these days, so, who knows, right? Or, maybe two Mormons instead of one. (I can already see the Evangelical minds turning to radioactive mush on that one.)

So, he’s gonna have to “debate” the Prez. Which is gonna be about on par with a debate between a girl scout den mother and Bella Abzug – no amount of cookies are going to save her sorry butt this time. Have you ever actually heard a Mormon sermon? Not exactly firebrand material, folks. Whereas the Prez? Dude’s gonna go all Baptist preacher on his ass. It is going to be one of those incredible “reality show” moments – the scratchy starched shirt facing off against the Hoosier Hammer. Sure will be interesting to see how long it takes The Mitt to get his hair mussed, which takes a lot to overpower all that Tabernacle Mousse.

But the real fun is going to come when Mitt tries to distort the Prez’s record. It’s one thing to sling lies when you are just out to one-up the other fellow Ricky Dinkums trying to elbow their way to the top. But when you start to shovel the brown stuff on a guy who can really fight back? Well, that’s gonna be a field day for couch potatoes everywhere. The Voice? Small potatoes. Survivor? Wanna-be’s. Jersey Shore? Weeeeellllllll – maybe, maybe. But The Prez has more street smarts no matter how you cook it, so having a guy who isn’t even sure how little taxes he’s paying up against a guy who knows the South Side like the back of his hand is going to be right up there with Evil Knievel when one of his stunts does the Big Fail – spectacularly tragic.

What it’s going to come down to is, simply, are you more tired of fear than you are of hope? The Republicans are betting you could use another whole skid-load of fear. And they aim to deliver.

Stock up on those antacids, folks!