Saturday, July 21, 2018

The Bar Pick-Up

by C. Reagan (writer), WEST HOLLYWOOD, April 09, 2007


Simply stated, the “bar pick-up” inevitably becomes the “drunken one-night stand”. But, for those insisting to facilitate the chic-flick inspired notion that going out on Saturday nights to pour Grey Goose and Sugar Free Red Bull into your carb starved bodies and arching those carefully waxed eyebrows at the first adequately coiffed, up-right walking Homo Saipan across the softly lit club will lead to anything else, stop reading after this paragraph. Next, re-direct yourselves to the “Self-Help” section of Barnes and Noble and pray for a Disney Animated Musical scale miracle to dance into your life.

For the realists left in the room, please take note: this piece is directed toward “the other team”, the homosexuals, the capital “G” Gays, the Queens. Further more, I will be focused solely on the male sex this time around. Why? “Write what you know” wins out over “write what you don’t know anything about”. Although I did have some uncomfortable experiences in college with heterosexual bar pick-ups, those flings only amounted to more than five years of interest racked up from fraternity fees being charged to a student MasterCard. The lesbians will have to wait for Jodi Foster to finally come out of the closet and write her memoirs if they want to be educated in the fine art of lesbian bar pick up.

First of all, the gay bar pick-up changes within several different scenarios. Although homosexuals will put away their differences and band together under certain circumstances, (Gay Pride Weekend, The White Party, various parades, Cher concerts, and grand openings of H & M stores), we tend to separate ourselves into classifications for the remainder of the time. In turn, each of these niches has it’s own bar scene and thus, its own personalized bar pick-up.

To be clear, every scenario, regardless of niche, begins with the “cruise”. Basically, this is another term to describe the eyeing or scoping of a fellow bar patron. When observed from the average bystander, it may seem like a basic, primal animal instinct. In reality, there is nothing basic about it. The “cruiser” has spent countless hours perfecting the art of his cruise, defining his technique, not only in bars and clubs, but in malls, classrooms and most importantly, in front of his very own mirror.

You must love yourself before you can love another.

The “cruise-ie” in turn, has another set of actions he must perform in order to acknowledge the cruiser. First, he must tease the cruiser with the coy play-off. Usually, this involves a short glare at the other guy and then a turn to his friends to snicker and/or point, putting the cruiser on the spot. If it happens so that the cruise-ie is alone, he will stare deeply into his drink as if studying a complicated, yet unbelievably sexy text book. In either case, if genuine interest exists, the next move belongs to the cruiser. He moves onto stage two of the pick-up, A.K.A., the die-hard stare.

The second stage may repeat for minutes, hours, days or even months, but depending on factors like B.A.C, stage of clinical depression, and time of last sexual encounter, the two players will eventually approach each other to commence in a “getting to know you” stage of the pick-up. Essentially, at this time, the two men begin to make-out heavily and grope one another or they take to the dance floor to move in ways that makes you wonder why gay marriage is even an issue in the United States.

Essentially, to seal the deal of a pick-up, the new couple would return to one of their apartments, hook-up and then never call the other again. The entire process would begin anew the next weekend. If the previous players were to run into one another again, it’s typically acceptable to grin or give a quick wink in his direction. For a brief time, they both may wonder what may have been, but are quickly distracted from the ideals of a lasting relationship by the Wentworth Miller look-a-like who just walked onto the dance floor.

As I mentioned, the hook-up varies from stereotype to stereotype:

Bears, or Leather Daddies (large, sometimes muscular, always hairy), are more aggressive in their cruise. There is rarely dancing involved with this hook-up. Most of the time, these guys do not bother taking their new friends home to complete the pick-up. It is not uncommon to find guys mashed into a dark corner of the bar or shoved into a men’s room stall, leading to several hook-ups in a single evening.

Twinks (young, uber-gay, usually thin with lots of hair products) are the polar opposite of the bear. Their hook-ups involve hours of making out on the dance floor while cruising one another in glittering Dolce and Gabbana outfits. At times, twinks may play out a mini relationship in the course of a single evening at a club. They can go through all the stages of a relationship: the first meeting, dating, friend introductions, sex, the big fight and the breakup before heading to an after-hours bar to dance until the sun comes up.

The jock/gay sports bar hookup is pretty vanilla. These guys are usually way too busy standing and posing, trying to look as straight as possible to really even notice that they are being cruised. This gay man pick-up occurs most easily at the gym instead of the bar. After a long workout, a jock is more likely to let his guard down out of sheer exhaustion. Also, exercise gets all of those hormones pumping, so you know why 24-Hour Fitness is so popular among gay men.

A career/nine-to-five homosexual spends his time at a hotel lounge or piano bar. The mysterious candle light helps to make him appear ten years younger than he actually is. His gold American Express keeps the liquor flowing like an ex-mousecateer’s top 40 single while his expense account pays for various luxuries others simply cannot afford. The bar pick-up is simple and usually complete by 8 p.m., just as happy hour ends and both parties are falling off their bar stools and into each other’s arms.

Finally, it would be ludicrous to not include to closeted gay man bar pick-up. The rules are up in the air in this scenario and this hook-up can happen anywhere at any time. Sometimes, it involves a “straight” man stumbling into a gay bar on a business trip. Other times, he could just get cruised at a straight bar by an out gay man and end up swearing he doesn’t remember what happened the next morning. In whatever case, this is defiantly the most fun to watch and participate in. I’m sure Lance Bass can fill a book with stories of his closeted days and it would be a best seller.

These scenarios may seem too stereotypical, too one-sided or paint homosexuals as overtly promiscuous. That’s only because gay men are stereotypical, one-sided and promiscuous, amongst other things. Remember to try to not take the bar-hook up too seriously; it can only lead to heartache!

About the Writer

C. Reagan is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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1 comments on The Bar Pick-Up

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By C. Reagan on May 14, 2007 at 11:59 pm
I know! I don't know how it got deleted. I thought it was pretty funny.
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