Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Ray Lewis American Academy of Neurology's Man of the Year

Credit: The twisted mind of the author
Topps new football card honoring Ray

Ray Lewis has put more patient's on the examining tables of American Neurologists than semi pro hockey. According to Rays mother, this award is long over due .

The American Academy of Neurology has named Baltimore Raven’s hit man Ray Lewis it’s “Man of the Year” for his continued helmet to helmet cheap shots on opposing players. One of the Doctor’s on the selection committee speaking off the record and clearly fearing for the safety of his family, stated that Ray’s deliberate cheap shots have caused more head injuries than the revocation of Florida’s Motorcycle helmet laws.

Lewis who is not half the player he once was is still feared by most in the NFL including Baltimore Raven’s management. Apparently trade rumors swirled around Ray in 2010 but were quickly dispelled when Ray mentioned he knew where Raven’s General manager Ozzie Newsome lived. Not that any team in the league would have actually traded FOR Ray as Ray has all the charm of a virulent strain of gonorrhea with about the same level of social skills.

Friends of Lewis not currently in the Federal Witness Protection Program stated the AAN’s award is some consolation after a bitterly disappointed Lewis was dropped from the NFL’s “Lawrence Taylor All Felon’s Team”. Lewis was dropped from the team after he copped a plea on a murder charge. The murder charge was reduced to "obstructing justice" and Ray was re-designated a “material witness” prompting Robert Shapiro OJ Simpson’s fabled attorney to remark, “If Charlie Manson had Ray’s attorney Charlie would have beaten the rap and be a tour guide at Universial Studios.

Ray’s unique talents are hardly what could be termed “Subtle” and the selection committee at the AAN recognized Ray’s handiwork when apparently the highly skilled and highly trained NFL officiating crew at the Steelers-Raven game didn’t even bother to call a penalty on Ray. In their defense, the NFL officials for the game are all old, slow, and apparently all had Baltimore and the points and weren’t leaving anything to chance. After the game, Ray speaking through an intrepreter reiterated that he considered attempted murder while wearing a football uniform acceptable and promised he would continue to ignore the rules designed to protect player safety.

The AAN announced that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was runner-up for the prestigious “Man of the Year” Award for his continued refusal to actually enforce the NFL’s rules on these vicious helmet-to-helmet hits. The AAN selection committee found Goodell’s lack of action on the hits laudable but his constant whining about the rule wasn’t in the best interests of the AAN. A spokesperson for the visibly upset Goodell pointed out that the AAN had really missed the point of Goodell’s position and had they bothered to check, the AAN would have discovered that Goodell hasn’t suspended a single NFL player for a helmet to helmet shot; not one player has been ejected from a game for these hits and in fact, thanks to Roger’s edicts to officials regarding these hits, 65% of the fines resulting from these vicious cheap shots don’t even result in a penalty. As to the fines assessed, in all likelihood they are being paid under the table by teams that encourage this barbarism masquerading as sport. Hines Ward, the recipient of Ray Lewis’s latest assault with a deadly weapon, was put out of the game and Ray wasn’t. Ward's injuries will no doubt keep him out for the next few weeks and while Ray will continue to play. Goodell’s office says it wants to “protect” the players but apparently does not care to use ejections, penalties, or suspensions which everyone else agrees would stop the hits immediately.

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SanityCheck2 is a writer for BrooWaha. For more information, visit the writer's website.
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